Wednesday, December 31, 2008
i've always felt that i have a screwed up social life. i dont hang out much, not because i dont want to but because i dont have some people whom i can really hang out with. i'm not exactly a very expressive person but most of the time i talk without thinking so probably i come across as being blunt. one day pearl told me over msn that i'm an easily contented person and that set me thinking, real hard. i've never thought myself as a happy person at all; i always craved to be someone different, someone who would never fade away in everyone's life. everytime i log in to facebook i see people updating pictures that showed how much they're enjoying life. and yet, here i am stuck in my holed up world trying to jump over walls and walls of barriers to reach outside. i want to go partying and sorts, live life like my counterparts. at the same time i dont want to drift further from my family. so most of the time i just dream. dream until i fall asleep. dream about how wonderful the music is. dream of rose petals falling from the sky as i moved to the groovy beat. but i will wake up, feeling sick all over for being such an idiot, such a dreamer.i really dont want to end the year in such a shitty note but, that's what i've probably been feeling the entire year. i'm neither here nor there, no friend whom i can really rely on; a loner on my own. on the slightly brighter side, perhaps it's not that bad afterall. i get so much time for myself, unlike those who lost themselves to the world of clubs and pubs.presently, i'm feeling fucked up about results. despite studying so fucking hard i know my dad's still not entirely pleased with the number of B's i've obtained, especially when my gpa is not even close to first class honours. do results really matter that much? but i've already given in 90% of my best.argh, whatever.i wish for a happier me in the new year ahead.
written at 13:50
